I talk about a few things in this post that might upset or trigger someone. Please be warned that this post is about a little ‘fight’ with my boyfriend and I do talk about some negative thought processes.
Sometimes my emotions are easy to decipher, like when I’m happy or calm. They are steady and not wavering, and if they happen to change they do so slowly and not erratically. But other times it often feels like someone took a box of discarded emotions, shook it up, opened it and dumped it all onto my lap at once and I’m trying to frantically get a hold of them but I don’t know where one starts & another begins. Sometimes people don’t seem to understand how exhausting this can be, and a lot of the time they don’t even know it’s going on. Sometimes it comes on so quickly that I’m not able to get on top of it and use my skills to handle it as well as I could, and sometimes I’m already so vulnerable due to other things going on that using skills doesn’t even cross my mind.
The other day I had an eye exam, which I was mildly anxious about. The last eye exam I’d been to was a few years ago, and the optometrist wasn’t very impressed that I kept flinching or blinking during the exams. Of course I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I’m one of those people who doesn’t like anything around their eyes, even their own fingers. So having someone else close to my eyes with weird instruments always has me on edge a bit. After the appointment I felt horrible all day, I kept thinking to myself that I was so useless I couldn’t even sit still and not blink long enough to get my eyes checked. What a failure. No wonder why nobody likes me. The optometrist had every right to be rude and angry. Why am I even alive? This is all so stupid, I just want to die.
So when my boyfriend brought up the topic of me getting new glasses soon I was a bit hesitant. At first I told him it was okay, glasses were expensive and I feel horrible for him to pay so much for things I don’t really need anyways. He reminded me that I was on his benefits now, and that if we shopped around we could definitely find me some glasses that would mostly be covered by his benefits. Eventually I gave in, I have been complaining about my horrible scratched lenses since we started dating, and he was right, if we shopped around we could definitely find something to fall under the $350 mark.
The day started out…not so great. All week I’ve been dealing with horrible allergies, and my back spasms have been starting up again, both of which are definitely causing a negative impact on my sleep. A bit of icing on the cake was that my thumb I’d fractured a few weeks ago was really bothering me as well (it’s healed, but my hand & thumb is weak so doing certain things is still tough or frustrating), and I’d been frustrated & in pain all week trying to do the dishes since our dishwasher broke. So, sniffly and sneezy and my nose was all red from all the kleenex I’ve been using, my eyes were red and puffy from allergies as well, back spasms anytime I do almost anything, a sore & weak thumb that was making it hard to get housework done. I felt miserable and useless, to say the least. So when I texted my boyfriend a few hours before the eye exam saying, “I really don’t want to get this eye exam today” it was just me complaining and being a bit anxious. I didn’t actually plan to cancel it, I just needed someone to hear that I was not feeling great & to acknowledge it and maybe make me feel better.
Of course this had to be the one day he replied with snappy texts. I didn’t know his day at work wasn’t going so great either, so the replies I got were far from gentle acknowledgement and encouragement. Now, my boyfriend is very rare rude to me, and he’s like me, he instantly apologizes and says, “I should have phrased that better,”, “I’m sorry I was snappy/rude”, etc. But today was a bit different. We were both not feeling the best, he was busy with work and probably frustrated that it sounded like I wanted to cancel/reschedule the appointment. How was he to know I just wanted some encouragement and was still going to go?
I was instantly set off by his text, even though a few minutes later he quickly sent me 3 texts saying that he was sorry for being rude & snappy and that he was really busy & frustrated with work and having a rough day, but he’d be there at the appointment with me to help ease my anxiety a bit. By that point I didn’t care though. My emotions had already gotten riled up and as much as I wanted them to calm down after seeing his apology, it was a bit too late. I felt angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, useless, pathetic, stupid all at once and I was already resisting the urge to text him back and say something passive aggressive, like, “I just wanted a bit of encouragement because I was anxious and feeling rough, but now I feel even shittier. Thanks for being such a great boyfriend.” and then turning off my phone. I didn’t. But I wanted to so badly. My mind went over and over mean things I could say to him to make him feel as bad as I currently felt.
I’m glad that I realized how hurtful & mean things like that can be, and that it wouldn’t be helpful…but that didn’t stop me from wanting to do it and obsessing over it for almost an hour while I ignored a call & a few texts from him. I felt bad to ignore him, but I knew if I said anything or did anything it would be something I would regret and I needed to calm down first. I finally did calm down enough, and sent him a text telling how how I felt and apologizing for ignoring him. “I’m sorry I ignored your texts & call, I was really anxious and not feeling well this morning and what you said set me off a bit and I just needed time to calm down. I feel really sad and angry, stupid, useless, frustrated and I just want to say mean things to you but I know that won’t help or make either of us feel better so I’m just going to take a time out and I’ll talk to you in a bit, okay? ♥”.
I get a bit wordy in my texts sometimes (much like I do here lol) but I’d rather send a big explanation than something that would still cause him worry or concern. I still felt pretty upset. One thing that always gets stuck in my head lately when I’m feeling rough is that I just want to stab myself. It’s a horrible thought and I hate having it, but I’m really glad I never act on it. Though I’ve come close a few times, fortunately this wasn’t one of those times. I often wish that people could feel the pain I feel, and hear all of the negative thoughts going through my head when something like this happens. Not so they can be hurt or upset, but so they can just have a bit of understanding of how tough it can be to get it all under control. It’s incredibly hard to explain to someone, at least for me, until a few days after the fact (if I remember at all – I tend to block out a lot of moments where I’m distressed and sometimes don’t remember the details other than I was sad/upset), and even then I have a hard time putting it into words and explaining it without getting too emotional. But sometimes it is important that others know how much you’re struggling with. People aren’t mind readers, they can’t always tell from a text or even your voice that you’re upset. Especially if you’ve become good at hiding it so others don’t worry about you.
Anyways, it took me a while to calm down and I ended up laying in bed for about an hour and a half, trying to calm down my negative thoughts and to stop crying. My anxiety spiked up even more once I realized I’d be going into my appointment with even puffier eyes from crying, but funnily enough, the the time we actually got to the appointment I had forgotten my earlier anxiety and the appointment went really well. My boyfriend was home 2 hours before my appointment, so we hugged & talked, snuggled a bit and got some food before the appointment. My eyes didn’t look as red & puffy as I thought they would with allergies and crying, and I always feel calmer & safer with my boyfriend around, so it went better than I thought. Everyone was really kind & helpful, nobody was frustrated that I blink a lot when they get too close to my eyes, or that my long eyelashes were in the way of some of their pictures of my eyes.
To make things even better, we were able to get 2 pairs of glasses for $370, which means we only have to pay $20…so I don’t feel too bad about my boyfriend paying for my crazy expensive glasses. I had actually made a bit of money during the week babysitting, and tried to give him the $20 to cover the extra cost since he already does so much for me, but he laughed it off and told me to use it to buy some new markers for my journal…which of course made me smile a big, nerdy smile. He knows there are always some new markers or pens I want to try out, but I keep them all on a wishlist until it’s my birthday or christmas.
Anyhow. This was a small episode for me, I’ve been stuck in my many emotional episodes that can sometimes last over 12 hours, which is incredibly exhausting. It usually takes me at least 2 days to get to a point where I’m feeling back to normal again after an episode like that. I might feel better but I usually still feel a bit off somehow for a few days. This episode I was extra tired out at the end of the day, but it was great because I slept like a baby all night and didn’t wake up once until 8am!
I’m also glad that my boyfriend is honestly such a nice and understanding guy. I know he isn’t perfect, and sometimes he does stuff that isn’t cool. But…so do I. We both have our issues but we are both fairly good at owning up to them and trying to come up with solutions for them. Some situations might be a bit tougher than others, but that’s okay, we still make it through somehow and it’s stuff like this that I feel really makes us stronger as a couple.