Trapped In Your Own Mind

This is something I feel pretty much on a daily basis. Trapped.

It’s a horrible feeling, especially since every time I try to reach out and grasp onto something meant to help pull me out, I seem to get trapped all over again and have to struggle to find my way back out again.

It’s exhausting. It’s depressing. And it’s often unexplainable & unrelatable to a lot of people in my life that I wish understood it better.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a rough day (to say the least) and I cried to my boyfriend about how I felt so trapped in my head, and I was so exhausted all the time of having to be aware, or trying to remember what skills to use to help me in what situations. I tried to explain to him that even just small things that most people do without thinking about them take a lot of concentration & effort, especially I’m feeling unstable. Simple things like making a meal can sometimes go wrong so quickly, and he has a hard time grasping what is going on in my head & why it’s so hard for me.

It’s not his fault, of course. He tries his best, and he’s oh so patient with me. And I’m honestly glad that he doesn’t really understand, because it means that he hasn’t had to deal with this sort of frustration and pain on the level that I am.

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Jumping on the Keto Train

I’m sure everyone has heard about Keto by now, it’s such a huge fad and if you look into it you can definitely see why. There is an overwhelming amount of positive reviews and raves about the keto diet and how it’s helped people turn their lives around, whether to help with a medical issue or just to get their weight under control. Naturally there are also some very negative things being said about it as well, but that’s to be expected, and some of it is pretty valid as well.

Over the last year (and especially winter) my boyfriend and I have been talking about how we’d like to lose a bit of weight, and just start eating a bit better in general. We have both put on a lot more weight than we feel comfortable carrying around, but neither of us really wanted to drop by the gym often and getting our bad eating habits under control didn’t seem to be working well. We were having a lot of fast food and take-out, rarely cooking at home because it was just too much hassle, and eating a lot of junk food and way too many sugary drinks and treats (the treats more so on my end). Right before we decided to do keto, we tried cutting down on things like sugary drinks and junk food…but it was proving to be pretty difficult. Once we got the craving for something we’d just eventually give in and go buy a bag of chips or pop open a can of Pepsi.

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Long Month

So, I haven’t got a whole lot to say, but I do have some ranting to do. It feels like ages since I last posted anything, and I guess it has been. My last post was actually over a month ago!

On April 17th we left for Las Vegas, and had a really great time down there, despite my boyfriend’s mom being with us and honestly driving me a bit batty for most of the trip. But she was a great tour guide and I’m glad I got to see so many things in such a short amount of time. We even spent a day on a jet boat tour on the Colorado River, which was a ton of fun and really beautiful. Unfortunately when we got back on the evening of the 24th, our house was a bit flooded.

The London Bridge, Lake Havasu, AZ
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Anxiety & Small Episode

I talk about a few things in this post that might upset or trigger someone. Please be warned that this post is about a little ‘fight’ with my boyfriend and I do talk about some negative thought processes.

Sometimes my emotions are easy to decipher, like when I’m happy or calm. They are steady and not wavering, and if they happen to change they do so slowly and not erratically. But other times it often feels like someone took a box of discarded emotions, shook it up, opened it and dumped it all onto my lap at once and I’m trying to frantically get a hold of them but I don’t know where one starts & another begins. Sometimes people don’t seem to understand how exhausting this can be, and a lot of the time they don’t even know it’s going on. Sometimes it comes on so quickly that I’m not able to get on top of it and use my skills to handle it as well as I could, and sometimes I’m already so vulnerable due to other things going on that using skills doesn’t even cross my mind.

The other day I had an eye exam, which I was mildly anxious about. The last eye exam I’d been to was a few years ago, and the optometrist wasn’t very impressed that I kept flinching or blinking during the exams. Of course I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I’m one of those people who doesn’t like anything around their eyes, even their own fingers. So having someone else close to my eyes with weird instruments always has me on edge a bit. After the appointment I felt horrible all day, I kept thinking to myself that I was so useless I couldn’t even sit still and not blink long enough to get my eyes checked. What a failure. No wonder why nobody likes me. The optometrist had every right to be rude and angry. Why am I even alive? This is all so stupid, I just want to die.

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Today is THE Day!

Maybe.

I always get into little phases where I am all into something, and a few days later I am sooooo done with it all. I blame a bit of this on my personality disorder, because I can go from absolutely loving something to (seemingly – sometimes I really just burn myself out on things because I go so hardcore) absolutely hating it within minutes.

Anyhow, my phase this week? Well, I guess it’s 2. Or 3? It’s a few!

First: Cooking & Meal Planning! We have been spending far too much on our Grocery budget (which, to be honest, is actually more of a Take-Out and Eat-Out budget). So, I’ve never been too great of a cook so I decided I am going to start out with slow cooker recipes, and once I feel more comfortable with those I will actually dive into some stuff that takes a bit more prep time and a bit less cooking time…and a bit more skill besides tossing things in a pot and waiting.

spices

Suuuuper old spices that lost their flavour years ago!

That brings me to my Second phase: De-Cluttering (AKA Get Rid of The Shit!). We live in a small house, and it’s old…and storage space is pretty much nonexistent. Along with that are shelves that haven’t been dusted in ages, drawers that almost fall onto your feet if you open them too far, and just a lot of junk stashed everywhere. It’s a mess and it drives me nuts! So I am going to dedicate a bit of time each day to removing some clutter and tidying up. I figure if I do this in small increments it will be much easier to do and won’t overwhelm me (much). Also I won’t feel so crazy trying to keep the kitchen clean & organized once I can get rid of some useless clutter, which will make me want to cook more, woot!

Third: NaNoWriMo! I’ve been wanting to do this for a few years now, but I either forget or I run into the problem where my story seems cool for like, 4 days, then I absolutely hate it. It suddenly feels childish and stupid, it makes no sense and I can’t seem to make anything out of it. So I give up. BUT NOT THIS YEAR. This year I am going to be a bit of prep work (though I should have started a few weeks ago so as not to overwhelm myself, but oh well … I forgot!) and I am just going to push through the crappy parts and write it anyways. I know the first draft isn’t going to be amazing, but maybe actually having a bit of a plan down on paper will help more than just random thoughts I’ve held in my head for a while. And I decided that I’m going to write about BPD this year, which makes it even more exciting to me!

And last, but not least…and not exactly a phase, is just getting all my thoughts and emotions back out again by writing. Whether anyone ever see’s it or not, no big deal. I have realized lately that I do need some sort of outlet instead of reaching out to negative places or people just so that I feel heard. It also really helps to stabilize my emotions so I don’t feel like crying and throwing a temper tantrum over the few tiny (and usually silly) moments in my day where things don’t go quite as planned.